I was once a person who has the most explosive temper. I may not speak, I may not show interest but deep down inside, I might be scolding and cursing the sh*t out of you. (I don’t speak foul language by the way) And that only happen when I am being mistreated or misunderstood. I will usually defense myself. By defending myself, I mean I will not freaking let you go. In short, you pay for what you have done and I am not responsible for what will happen next. I will make your life a living hell.

But, don’t worry. That was a few years back.

Now, I am a completely different person. And NOPE, I don’t need another blog post from you. Your tone and choice of words definitely stabbed deep into my heart.  I was shocked that I did not get mad; instead I chose to forgive you. Forgive whatever you said. I completely did not thought of writing another revengeful post to start a post war with you. But I was really sad, wasn’t been able to sleep the whole night, figuring whether I should write a post to apologize to you. I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to provoke you. I didn’t even want to start a fight with you. I really am sorry. I sincerely apologize from you and it is up to you to choose whether to forgive me. Stay as strangers or upgrade another level to becoming friends, its up to you too. But I remembered you mentioning about your type of friends. However, I just want to sincerely apologize.

I’ve never apologized to anyone like this before. L Never, probably because I have the attitude of a cow; stubborn.

If this happens a few years back, I am sorry. I will not be so kind, apologizing to you. How mesmerizing huh? That people change over time. I used to defense myself and I kind of liked the smell of sweet revenge. I wasn’t so open-minded then. Well, guess I’ve learnt to be wiser and learnt how to forgive.

I am not a forgive and forget kind of person. Never. I keep things in my heart. Good or bad, I will remember it forever. Now that I grew older, I learn to let things go. For example, a real life example, it was hard for me to forgive someone and we nearly ended our relationship. I was lucky that the both of us decided not to let things go so easily. It was so hard for me to forgive that the incident keep replaying in my mind for almost a year and a half. Till now, it still sometimes haunts me, but I decided to laugh it away.

I was also overthinking and overreacting. Therefore, I made my life a complete living hell. Overthinking was the main reason I cried myself to bed most of the time. I felt insecure and negative thinking wouldn’t leave my mind as if it was glued to it. Now that I think about it, I felt stupid. I mean good or bad, we still have to continue our life. Then why not live happily. I kept this positive attitude up till now.

No, not at all talking about you. I must make this clear so I wont provoke you again. I really am sorry.

And to friends who decided to stay in my life during the darkest and lowest moments of my life, thank you. I never would have been a better person without any of you. As to those who decided to leave, thank you for letting me know who my true friends really are.

I just want to say that I AM NOW A WISER PERSON. I SHOULD START GROWING SOME BEARD! I don’t really care if any of you think I’m not. I used to really care about what others have to say about me. I care how other people looked at me. Now, it doesn’t really matter. J

Lately, I found someone on Twitter. Not like I always go onto Twitter, but Twitter suggested that I follow her so I thought “Why not?”  Of course it’s only normal to start stalking after she approves me, right? And she privates her tweets, therefore I can only wait till she approves, which is like a few minutes after my request.

I like stalking. No. I should say, I like looking at how people lead their life. How and what do they usually do. Not only other people. I stalk my close friends too. Someone whom I think I have interest in his or her life. I sound like a creepy stalker now.

So as I started stalking, I saw that she changes partner quite often. That’s not my point. My point is that why are people afraid to fall in love?

I am sorry. I do not mean to judge you in this post. I am not here to discriminate you. I thought you looked kind of interesting and I only wanted to stalk. No, I mean befriend. J Sorry I hope you don’t get mad. I just want to share my feelings by borrowing your life story. I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, beautiful stranger. If you decided to unfollow me, I understand. 

I mean if you choose to be with that person, you should at least hold on to that relationship and fight for it, no? People often get shocked when I replied “Five years plus” when they ask, “How long have you been together with her?” It will be six the coming year. If you don’t cherish him or her, it will get you nowhere. Not only in relationship but everything that is going to happen in life. No, beautiful stranger, if you’re reading this, I am not referring to you.

I had the craziest heartbreak ever. Imagine you being dumped because she lets name her A, chose to be with another girl and she tells you that in your face! I never had the courage to tell anybody about it. I am afraid people might laugh at me, being naïve. My world came tumbling down after that incident; I never had the courage to love again. I had partners after that, but I wasn’t serious. I just wanted people to feel how I felt, so I decided to break all their hearts. Awful huh?

I guess we all just had to fall and hurt ourselves and then, only we will learn. If its wasn’t for A, I wouldn’t be me right now. If you are wondering if I am still with A, my answer would be no, but nonetheless, we’re still friends. 

Everybody has their own stories to be told, it’s for them to choose whether to hide them or to learn from it. 

It’s been quite a while, isn’t it? Since I last blogged. After I decided that I do not have the time. Well, in the previous post, I mentioned I quit the job and I am still jobless ever since. What brought me here today is that; I still have the passion to write. Even though no one reads what I wrote, but that doesn’t stop me from writing. For the past two months, I had been wandering around, figuring what I shall do in life. Up till now, I still couldn’t make up my mind. Friends around me had been busy with their new job and as a friend, I am happy for them that they had finally found what they want in life. Gave myself a time limit, that I would find a job after my Hong Kong trip. Trip ended about two weeks ago and guess what? Still nothing. Guess I needed someone to hit me hard in the head, with a brick. This quote is the reason I left the company.

I was supposed to continue on the previous post What If.. but it doesn’t felt right. So I shall blabber about something else. Something we are all familiar with. And some might even feel uneasy while talking about it. What I’m about to write later will definitely alarm a few people if they find out. Let’s hope they would never find out about my blog, alright?

So here goes,

I noticed people around would stare when I’m out in public. Every time without fail. I felt uncomfortable at first, but then I got used to it because wherever I go, there will be at least a person looking and staring. Mostly women and men, which are aged about 35 and above. Why are they staring? Easy! Because I’m going out with the same sex, holding hands. I don’t blame them for staring, I know it’s hard to digest that young people nowadays are being more “open-minded”. I never talked about this anymore, especially in front of family. Mom is more of a conservative type. She would be happy if the one I’m bringing home is a man. I tried talking about it sometime ago and she totally went berserk. It didn’t turn out well. So fingers crossed she wont see this or else I’ll have a lot of explaining to do.

I never disclose it to anyone except for close friends. Or should I say, I keep things to myself. One of the reason I kept some of my social network private. Don’t you feel that it’s tiring?

To hide and to pretend to be someone you’re not?

Frustration. What causes frustration? People, places, illusions or emotions?

Lately, it has been really frustrating and often my self-esteem has been of the lowest. I do not feel the urge to wake up in the early mornings. Something seems to be bothering me, a lot. I never felt so happy when the clock strikes 6p.m. every single day. Every second felt like forever and I felt like I am stuck in a maze that never seem to end. The feeling of confusion, hatred and frustration seemed to fill my heart. I have never felt this way before. As though I am lost, in a forest, full of humongous trees that blocked my way out and the leaves blocking the bright sunlight. All I had left was darkness..

My life was never so dull. It had always been filled with bright vibrant colors with cheerful and crazy people. All these happened because of a single person. Imagine how powerful this person is, to be able to completely ruin a person’s life. I shouldn’t have this blogged out at all but I couldn’t take it anymore. Even the happiest song, or the happiest person in the world failed to cheer me up. And not to mention the most important person in my life, she suffered the most, seeing me suffering in silence.

Some of you, close friends especially would know who am I referring to. No names will be mentioned for privacy purposes and I do not want to be accused of anything. So, this happened when a girl who has a loving personality left. She was a person full with patience and she would never hesitate if a question were being asked due to confusion. It was because she has a big heart and was not a jealous type of person. Also it was probably because she was a teacher. Everybody knows a teacher is like a candle, she/he will burn her/himself to brighten the whole dark room just for you. They are the person who educates us with patience and never gave up on us. She was such an angel, even the few weeks after she left.

The particular person on the other hand was and still is as ignorant as ever. She was stingy with knowledge. Probably is her age that caused her to be like that. No, this is not a personal attack. I am only judging her after I have known her for a few weeks. And I did not judge a book by its cover. We never communicate, never at all. We never spoke for more than 10 sentences a week. It strikes me when she sternly told me “I will not teach you. You’ll have to learn by yourself.”  My world came tumbling down and dark clouds filled the air. I was left in confusion and was wondering whom shall I go to pertaining the system that was so new to me. She was supposed to be my mentor! She was supposed to teach me! Why is she doing this to me?! All I could do was to plead for help from the person with the biggest heart. I felt bad having to seek help from her as she has already started work in a new company. That was all I could do. I felt helpless and useless.

It kept me thinking whether this job is suitable for me, or rather is she going to be a good boss. Never in my life I felt so pointless. I went home and cried and asked for my mom’s opinion. She cried along, that made me feel loved. She told me to quit the job and find a better one. There are plenty of fishes in the sea, right? She even told me that no matter how much I earn, I will never be happy, going to work feeling nervous and sometimes I refused to go up to the office until about 8:45a.m. I would wonder if I would get scolding every morning. Whenever she sighs, I would feel that I have done mistakes. It is not a proper way and who would ever enjoy working in such environment?

Coming to work every morning feeling scared. Even before a question was asked, she would turn her head, and you can sense her frustration and anger towards you. I wouldn’t mind being treated like that if I was wrong. Would you even dare to ask questions if a person is treating you like a pile of useless dirty mud?! Colleagues don’t even dare to ask me out for lunch fearing that I would get scolding. Most of the time, I had lunch alone, feeling all-useless and wanting to cry. And so I thought we should have a conclusion to this. I tendered my resignation letter, even before I speak up to her, I felt scared. She offered me another position and pleaded me to stay. Sternly, I refused.

On Friday evening, I was called into a room by a man who was in another position to have a little talk. He questioned me and was wondering why did I resign after such a short period working with the company. The reason is pretty obvious isn’t it? He offered another position and had me think about it. So when I walked out feeling all happy, she, sitting and pondering what he said to me. She looked over to me, feeling worried and asked “Did he ask you if you resigned because of me?” It shocked me. You're asking me this because all these while you knew you were the trouble and you knew that people were not happy working with you? I bet so. If not, who on earth will ask this kind of question?

Just as I thought so, she was being called in. I waited patiently for her to come out. To my horror, she came out, eyes all red and wet, red veins so visible that you knew she cried or perhaps she was so angry, her eyes turned into fire and bulged out that it scared the man earlier. And then, her knitted sweater torn into pieces, huge muscular veins chucked into the man’s throat, threatening to have his head bitten off like a piece of broccoli. Alright, gone too far. Haha, what a wild imagination.

Besides what I had mentioned, there are still other stuffs that made me tender my resignation letter. Will definitely share with you guys in the next next post. J

Have a great week ahead! 

Why hello there!

It’s a long weekend. The greatest news for all the labors, are having public holidays. Who doesn’t like having a break every now and then after pouring all your hard work into a certain job? Drenching all your energy by repeating the same routine every single day, for at least 9 hours a day, for at least five days a week. The happiest day would definitely be Friday. Nobody likes Monday, that’s why we call it Monday Blues and refuses to go to work every first day of the week. You are forced to wake up early at the beginning of the week, jamming all your way to work, carrying Monday Blues attitude hoping and wishing you could sleep more and the weekends will never end. In less than 48 hours, we will all suffer a disease, that is highly contagious, the Monday Blue disorder.

Lets not spoil our Saturday night, shall we?

Have you ever imagined that what would life be if you have lost your sense of sight? You will not be able to see the sunlight, gaze upon the midnight stars, enjoy the beautiful sunrise or sunset, never know what rainbow looks like and never have the chance to see light anymore. Would you still travel to the beautiful beaches? Would your life have a meaning to it anymore? What would you do? Will you do all it takes to regain your sight or will you give up on life?

Honestly, I could not imagine what will happen to myself. Would I fall in love? Would I be happy? Lets be realistic, no one is ever satisfy with what they already have. And I believe you do too. I am never satisfied with myself, I keep asking myself “What if”. We are always hiding from the truth, aren’t we? Did we ever pause and ask ourselves, why? I guess none of us have the time for that.

Allow me to share a little story with you.

I was handed a drink in a space where there are few people chatting and chuckling away.. The doorknob turned, he came out from this little room, all I could see is darkness. He held my hand and introduced himself politely. I could sense his kindness and friendliness. He gained my trust in less than a minute. I raised my arm and put it on his shoulder, and our journey began..

Without hesitation, I followed him into the room. My life changed ever since. I kept asking myself, what if I hesitated and ran away without following him into the room? What if we never met? What if I was given a second chance to decide and think over? What if.. is all that I could question myself.

To be continued..