Frustration. What causes frustration? People, places, illusions or emotions?

Lately, it has been really frustrating and often my self-esteem has been of the lowest. I do not feel the urge to wake up in the early mornings. Something seems to be bothering me, a lot. I never felt so happy when the clock strikes 6p.m. every single day. Every second felt like forever and I felt like I am stuck in a maze that never seem to end. The feeling of confusion, hatred and frustration seemed to fill my heart. I have never felt this way before. As though I am lost, in a forest, full of humongous trees that blocked my way out and the leaves blocking the bright sunlight. All I had left was darkness..

My life was never so dull. It had always been filled with bright vibrant colors with cheerful and crazy people. All these happened because of a single person. Imagine how powerful this person is, to be able to completely ruin a person’s life. I shouldn’t have this blogged out at all but I couldn’t take it anymore. Even the happiest song, or the happiest person in the world failed to cheer me up. And not to mention the most important person in my life, she suffered the most, seeing me suffering in silence.

Some of you, close friends especially would know who am I referring to. No names will be mentioned for privacy purposes and I do not want to be accused of anything. So, this happened when a girl who has a loving personality left. She was a person full with patience and she would never hesitate if a question were being asked due to confusion. It was because she has a big heart and was not a jealous type of person. Also it was probably because she was a teacher. Everybody knows a teacher is like a candle, she/he will burn her/himself to brighten the whole dark room just for you. They are the person who educates us with patience and never gave up on us. She was such an angel, even the few weeks after she left.

The particular person on the other hand was and still is as ignorant as ever. She was stingy with knowledge. Probably is her age that caused her to be like that. No, this is not a personal attack. I am only judging her after I have known her for a few weeks. And I did not judge a book by its cover. We never communicate, never at all. We never spoke for more than 10 sentences a week. It strikes me when she sternly told me “I will not teach you. You’ll have to learn by yourself.”  My world came tumbling down and dark clouds filled the air. I was left in confusion and was wondering whom shall I go to pertaining the system that was so new to me. She was supposed to be my mentor! She was supposed to teach me! Why is she doing this to me?! All I could do was to plead for help from the person with the biggest heart. I felt bad having to seek help from her as she has already started work in a new company. That was all I could do. I felt helpless and useless.

It kept me thinking whether this job is suitable for me, or rather is she going to be a good boss. Never in my life I felt so pointless. I went home and cried and asked for my mom’s opinion. She cried along, that made me feel loved. She told me to quit the job and find a better one. There are plenty of fishes in the sea, right? She even told me that no matter how much I earn, I will never be happy, going to work feeling nervous and sometimes I refused to go up to the office until about 8:45a.m. I would wonder if I would get scolding every morning. Whenever she sighs, I would feel that I have done mistakes. It is not a proper way and who would ever enjoy working in such environment?

Coming to work every morning feeling scared. Even before a question was asked, she would turn her head, and you can sense her frustration and anger towards you. I wouldn’t mind being treated like that if I was wrong. Would you even dare to ask questions if a person is treating you like a pile of useless dirty mud?! Colleagues don’t even dare to ask me out for lunch fearing that I would get scolding. Most of the time, I had lunch alone, feeling all-useless and wanting to cry. And so I thought we should have a conclusion to this. I tendered my resignation letter, even before I speak up to her, I felt scared. She offered me another position and pleaded me to stay. Sternly, I refused.

On Friday evening, I was called into a room by a man who was in another position to have a little talk. He questioned me and was wondering why did I resign after such a short period working with the company. The reason is pretty obvious isn’t it? He offered another position and had me think about it. So when I walked out feeling all happy, she, sitting and pondering what he said to me. She looked over to me, feeling worried and asked “Did he ask you if you resigned because of me?” It shocked me. You're asking me this because all these while you knew you were the trouble and you knew that people were not happy working with you? I bet so. If not, who on earth will ask this kind of question?

Just as I thought so, she was being called in. I waited patiently for her to come out. To my horror, she came out, eyes all red and wet, red veins so visible that you knew she cried or perhaps she was so angry, her eyes turned into fire and bulged out that it scared the man earlier. And then, her knitted sweater torn into pieces, huge muscular veins chucked into the man’s throat, threatening to have his head bitten off like a piece of broccoli. Alright, gone too far. Haha, what a wild imagination.

Besides what I had mentioned, there are still other stuffs that made me tender my resignation letter. Will definitely share with you guys in the next next post. J

Have a great week ahead!